Strange Thoughts
by IcyTanya
Summary: It's coming closer to the Final Battle. Harry and Voldemort are both contemplating each other. And slow realization occurs. About what you ask? Well, you'll just have to find out!


Disclaimer: Normal disclaimer applies but the poem (if it can be called that) is mine, please do not use it without permission

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**Strange Thoughts  
**

_ I stop the flowing darkness inside, calling to that thing  
__ Before me, I won't even hesitate to destroy it  
_So it's the usual again, I'm supposed to defeat Voldemort but how can we do that? Where does the 'we' come in anyway? _I _am supposed to _kill_ Voldemort but they won't understand that, it's always 'defeat' never kill, I wish they would understand how I feel.

I gaze up at the ceiling, Voldemort was dark, he had killed people and would do so once more without a second thought. I had to kill him to make the world safe again; my hand won't hesitate when I have to say the Killing Curse.

But why does my heart falter every time I remember second year? When I destroyed the diary I heard not the hate of a man but the despair of a young boy, perhaps Voldemort never grew up and inside he is still Tom? The boy who never knew love? Come to think of it, how can he hate when he never knew love?

Don't people say, 'No white without black. No peace without war. No right without left and no love without hate? If you change that around it would become no hate without love. Does that mean he doesn't hate anyone, or does it mean he really loved someone? I must think about that.

God! These people are really giving me a headache now, I have a lot of homework to finish anyway. That Charms essay to hand in... and even if Flitwick excuses me, McGonall certainly won't. I've had enough! I bang my hand on the table and scream, "Quiet!" Immediate blissful silence. Remus is looking at me in an almost… scared manner but I'm too tired to think about it, "What is the discussion about?" I demand, "How to 'defeat' Voldemort?" some of them flinch, haven't they yet realized the meaning of the words, 'fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself,'? The emphasis on 'defeat' was obvious and purposeful. A quick round of nods.

"Well, I thought that the most obvious and best method would be Avada Kedavra?" I continued. The reactions were stereotypes really. I quickly finish, "If that's all this was about them I think I'll go to bed, I have a tough day tomorrow."

There! Done! I get up from my play without further delay and am out of there, pronto! No one had time to object even if they wanted to- and it was evident in their faces, they wanted to. I go to Gryffindor Tower and strip not even bothering to change. I'm just too tired.

_ The silver god I worship will win_  
_ When I summon him with my fiery ambition  
_I finger the ring; it was one part of a set of pair-rings, I will give the other one to my 'one true love' as corny as that sounds. I had thought to make the pair-rings golden but decided on silver because that seemed to describe me much better. Maybe that would seem weird to most people but I hope my partner will understand.

I wonder whether they will be a he or she- yes, I'm bisexual although no one knows as yet. No one at all, I don't dare tell Ron because he is so stubborn in his views and Hermione might blurt it out to him. They are a couple now after all.

I'm in Transfiguration, this morning I somehow managed to finish the essay and hand it in. I'm not listening to Professor McGonall, I know all this already. At the beginning of this year I turned a new leaf; I had an ambition to be the best and come first in my year; learn all that I would have learnt in the higher classes if I happened to live. Since that wasn't likely I began to read all my textbooks and the ones of the higher classes, I may even need them if I have a duel with Voldemort. I also read up extra material, it was interesting.

Huh? McGonall is calling me? I have to answer a question? I'm not at my best this morning, I know the answer but remembering it is too much of an effort. Or is it? Didn't I want to be the best? I have to remember, for the sake of my dying wish. I close my eyes and answer without thinking. The whole class hushes while Proffesor McGonall stares at me through her spectacles. I begin to be irritated, she asked me a question and I answered didn't I? Why can't she just tell me whether the answer is right or not?

She's talking again, "Mr. Potter, that spell is not the answer I was looking for. However…" she pauses, what's with all the suspense? What did I answer anyway? The Fiorit Curse? Oh, that explains it. McGonall is finally finishing, "that curse is not actually a curse.

"It is thought to be a dark spell because it requires an enormous amount of power and previously only dark wizards had that much of power to waste. How you came across it is beyond me!

"It is believed though that you do have the potential needed to complete this spell and transform the thing back as well. Why don't you try it on your chair?" she suggested peering through her glasses, "But…" she added sternly, "if you feel that you cannot do it then tell me at once, you might lose your life if you do not have the power to do this and keep trying."

I shrug and turn to the chair, I ignore the whispers. The book said the concentration was vital in this spell, I started losing my concentration when I heard the Gryffindors whispering as well. I was about to give up when a strange feeling caught up in my guts again. The one that helped me give the answer before, I could do it. I raised my wand and murmured the 'curse', a bright light lit up the whole room and when it subsided in place of the chair was a beautiful silver tiger. It majestically walked towards me and licked my hand when I held it out.

McGonall was the first to react, she started clapping, "Well done Harry!" she exclaimed and I think she had tears in her eyes. "If you can perform the counter-curse as well then fifty points to Gryffindor," she said. Was that supposed to be motivation? I think it was though I didn't care whether I got house points or not, anyway I did the counter-curse in a few seconds. I was sad to see the tiger gone though. We were both aliens in a strange world. I felt like I had a bond with the albino beast. I don't know why but somehow I feel like I'm ready for something. For what, you ask? But I don't know what either. Just that I've been waiting for it unconsciously for a long time.

_ His frozen, cold heart melts_  
_I call upon my Dark Side  
_I pace around, what was it about that boy that occupied me so? I needed to take over the world and now that I could touch that boy surely I could kill him! After all, no matter how powerful that boy was just that- a boy. Or was he? Maybe I would have preferred him to be just a boy. How many people know that Harry, though saved out of love was saved not only by his mother's love. I could see those green eyes gazing into mine. They were full of fun and innocence and even then, when I was going to kill him he reached for me and offered his hand, and that was my undoing.

The wizarding world doesn't realize the truth in the saying, 'No white without black, no peace without war, no right without and no love without hate.' If they had they would have already tried to find out what exactly it is that I love, because I can't hate without knowing love. And what I love is those innocent green eyes and that offered hand. I can still see it reaching for me and I had taken it. I had hugged him and kept him safe until that oaf Hagrid and Sirius Black had come. Unfortunately I had also dispatched the Killing Curse.

Taking it back so it didn't kill him had taken so much, too much, of my power and I became a shadow of my former self. But I had still had some of my power and I kissed his forehead and put a bit of my power into him. I had the feeling that he would need it. But that was merely a foolish lapse of judgment; I couldn't love him still, could I? I wonder…

My heart was always a block of ice, despite the general belief I had never really hated muggles or muggleborns, not even my father or mother. I just wanted power and control over my destiny. I didn't feel, it was just not me! But now I do feel, I feel love for the boy, Harry and I feel regret for all the needless killings and I feel hate for the people who had influenced me to become this… thing! I was hardly a being, and I had a curse on my head. The curse of killing a unicorn.

My heart wasn't ice anymore, not fire either. That would be Harry, maybe I'm water? My element was supposed to be water…and my destiny was never supposed to be this.

_ Alone in the grass I lie at night and sleep  
__ Revenge spikes my dreams, sharp as a prickly dagger  
_I am careful not to make a sound as I tiptoe out under my Invisibility Cloak. My wand is held out carefully in front of me as it illuminates my path. I can't afford to lose it and neither can I afford to let anyone see the light.

I breathe a sigh of relief as I throw myself down on the cool grass. I will have to be up early tomorrow so as to get back to Gryffindor Tower without causing suspicion. I had no doubt that I would be up early enough.

Because however long I slept it would never be too long or indeed long enough and I know that I will dream again. And of him. That too I know. And I have given up the foolish wish of respite, there will be none.

I lie down and spread myself comfortably, the night is chilly but nothing can be as cold as what is inside me, I feel alive in this cold wind. That enables me to drop off to sleep.

_I_ _sigh, I know this is a dream but I cannot escape it. And I know this dream. Perhaps too well. I feel it is how I would like my vengeance to be except...never mind that. I dream of it nearly every night._

_I walk down a corridor, my footsteps don't make a sound and neither does my breathing. I tiptoe close to a magnificently built mahogany door with intricate carvings all over it and a large knocker shaped like a sleeping mermaid in a shell. _

_That was the biggest surprise of all, the first time that I had seen it in my dream I had nearly exclaimed, "What the…" From old Voldie I would have expected something more like a laughing gargoyle but this was truly beautiful. Even now I could gaze at the sleeping mermaid for hours on end but though I had the inclination I definitely did not have the time. Soon I would make that fatal mistake which I made night after night though I tried so hard to stop it but still it happened. I tripped over my too-long robes and crashed against the door and it opened. I am captured_

And I see no more. Night after night I open myself more, abandoning Occulmency in favor of finding out what will happen…but in vain I do wait.

I wish on the stars, again and once more for rebirth so That I may see the difference between death and birth 

I wonder as I sit on my cold throne, how many times I have wished for a new body whose beauty was still fresh. Sometimes for a whole new life…but _that boy_ always ruined all of my schemes, but now I think. I'm thinking of everything of his that I ruined. Indeed his whole life, perhaps the death that I curse on him would be a blessing.

I sigh, these are familiar paths. I trace them in my mind quite oftener, but these days I trace them oftener than I used to. Ever since my rebirth and my duel with him I feel for him. I shake these thoughts from my mind but the strands of memory hold on firmly and clench on tighter.

I stride over to a room adjoining the throne room. I whisper the charm to open the room and I throw the doors open. A beautiful, warming blue light surrounds me and for a moment I am at peace.

All the light in my life is locked up in this one wondrous room. I kneel down in front of a painting of a child with blonde hair and blue eyes- just like mine were. My mother, the lamp of my life…I barely remember her yet I care for her like I could care for nothing else because I suspect (Nay I _know_) that she was the only one to love me unconditionally. Perhaps the only one to love me at all.

And after all, whom could I blame except myself? I had never done anything to endear myself to those around me. Even those closest to me were merely pawns in a giant chess game. A muggle chess game because these pawns never influenced me like wizard chess pawns would. How ironic!

I close my eyes and feel a phantom kiss on my forehead and elusive sleep has finally been caught. Yet my last thought before unconsciousness is of him and I dread that I will not find peace from him even in sleep.

_ The starving wind howls and carries away all but Hell and the tears that  
Drop down my cheek mean not strength, but dependence_  
My face seems impassive on the outside, inside I am screaming to be let out. But that is impossible. Who would want to see that the 'Golden Boy' is merely that- a boy. Not that I will remain so much longer. I just have this hunch that killing people might do something to you. And strange as it might be. I do not even hate Voldemort that much anymore.

I know now what he felt when he decided that ruling was the only way he could live. Sometimes even I feel that way but I suppress it, I cannot afford to go dark and I will not! Perhaps if Tom's father had not been like that, or if Tom's mother hadn't died then…but that's a foolish wish.

And I depend on these feelings to keep me going; once upon a time I used to depend on my friends, however, that seems to have been a lifetime ago. I still love them but now that I know my destiny I can't corrupt them like I am corrupted.

Every night I cry myself to sleep. And I detest myself for doing that because those tears don't give me strength, they just signal my dependence. Each day I vow to give up this strange addiction and each day I newly break the promise. A vicious cycle!

_ The memories that keep on coming are destroyed  
And I wander through a bleeding heart_  
_ As I call upon my Dark Side  
_I call upon the darkness within me to keep on going with the plan. The plan was to call Dumbledore away and meanwhile attack Hogwarts, I'm not afraid of him anymore. I will finally face my true fear which is Harry. He lived because he was meant to lie. This I know, but I, too, live. And it is time to see who is greater.

When I accepted all that, the eternal memories that kept on bothering me, those green eyes, my mother's laugh- they are all gone. And somehow that angered me. I use that anger as fuel when we attack. I obliterate all that is in front of me without another thought. I run on crazed until I finally see him and I stop. He sees me too, that I can see by the fire in his eyes.

I wish to feel that fire. It mesmerizes me until I shake myself awake and prepare for the most dreaded battle of my life. But I also whisper to myself, "Death, I hate death. Yet it sits close to me._ 'There sits Death, there sits imperious Death…'_" I start to quote but I have forgotten the rest of the quote.

_ The cause of death is battle  
__ And I wander through a bleeding heart  
As I call upon __My Dark Side  
_I hear his whispers and I finish the quote, " _'…Keeping his circuit by the slicing edge'_"and I saysoftly, "War causes death, why do you fight if you hate death so?" And truly it is ironic. Some people call him the living embodiment of death yet he himself hates death. Perhaps that is what made me say, "Tom, give up the battle, it is useless."

He taunted me, "Why? Already so sure that you will lose?"

I answered him, "You cannot win, you do not hate us anymore so what are you fighting for? You know how to get back your true body and soul. And you know you do not have what the spell asks for- so why do you fight?"

His shoulders slumped and he swayed in place for a moment before fainting. The Death Eaters would have attacked us anyway but he keeps his own tab on them so that they may not turn on him. The Death Mark that Tom has on his arm can immobilize one and all of them if he so desires, apparently it can also do so if he is unconscious or sleeping.

I walk over to him ignoring the cries that call me back. I touch him and chant the spell to get _his_ soul back because the one I had been talking to wasn't Tom. Tom had given up his soul in order to get the power of Darkness. I knew that if I removed that power then Tom could come back. And he would come back because I knew he had never meant for this to happen.

Death was something he had always hated, even while he called the Basilisk. A bit of that had retained in this new soul, and that part was obviously crying to be let out today. Probably the body was more receptive to the spell because of that.

And he came, everyone gasped when the silvery light surrounded Voldemort's body and turned him back to the age he had been when he had given up his soul. His golden hair looked like a halo. He sat up and murmured, "Thank you, darling,"

A memory from a past reincarnation stirred, but I let it rest. This was, after all, a new life beginning from today. I helped him stand up and hugged him whispering back, "Welcome back, heart's dearest,"

No doubt there would be lots of explaining to do later but for now I am content to stay in his arms and hold him in mine.

_There is no choice, and none to make  
We let our Dark Side rest and Light too  
And follow the truest middle path_

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Hope you liked it! Please review (if you do, please tell me your favorite pairings too, I want to know which is the most popular) By the way, for anyone who has read 'Living a Lie' I know I haven't updated for so-o long but I'm kind of not motivated anymore. I'll try to update soon though. And I'll try to write a sequel to this too…maybe. 


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